The term “it’s a cancer” is often used to describe the fast spread of the disease or similar. Only when you get bad news do you realise that cancer really is a killer and the disease is vicious. But on top of that, there is confirmation that the current cure for cancer is also more of a life lengthener than a cure.
This morning, we received an SMS from our dear friends in Emden, north Germany. My husband’s best friend Cyrus wrote, “if you want to say goodbye to my dad; now is the time”.
After I dropped the kids off at school, I phoned Gini and she confirmed that “Faramaz was coming home to close his eyes”. She cried as she said, “Bena. He just defeated the cancer. It was gone but the chemotherapy stole his kidneys and they don’t work anymore – there is nothing more that can be done, he is full of water”.
Of course, I am upset. Even though I wasn’t as close to the family as Ian was; every time I visited Gini. She was like a mother to me. She also treats Ian like her son and he lived at their home for several years; with amazingly fond memories. Faramaz has always been the man of the house and he would cook traditional Persian food and drink lots and enjoy life. He reminded me of my own father, a lot.
But I am scared to see Faramaz. I am worried I might end up like him. But at the same time, I want to see him to make myself stronger. To see what the end might be like and to toughen up the kids and Ian increase anything happens to me.
It is so selfish, but at the same time a smack in the face for complacency. It is so easy for people to say "you are a cancer survivor" or "he died and you didn't". But at the end of the day; when you have been through all of this death is a brutal reminder of the disease that lingers in you. You got it once, it can rear its ugly head again and from now on you can NEVER live eat or think without that fear in your mind.
It sounds so awful and arrogant; I am ashamed to think of myself at a time like this – but I can’t help it. I hope Faramaz still looks like himself and hasn’t changed too much....
I have one million and one thoughts in my mind. I feel a bit strange and teary... but am so going to try to support Cyrus, Gini and he rest of the family and be as strong as possible for my kids.
I worry about my kids as even though I tell them Michael Jackson is dead, they say, “but he is real mummy”. It’s like this week; Kintan came home from school and said, “why did the kids in school say Santa isn’t real?” There is the boundary of understanding between real and fake or on the TV and a real person. Yikes. I don’t know. I am feeling feelings I need to think about carefully before I start babbling on.... But I do know that I will mix the weekend with the kids with joy as well as sadness. We will have to find a balance.
Sorry for this very strange post - I want to convey something but it might just be fear.
The most important person now is Faramaz. I hope his last days are as good as they can be. I hope he makes it longer than a few days and the doctors are wrong and hopefully he can have a last Christmas with the family.